Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In our city its not what you know. Its not who you know. Its what you know about who.

   I told my wife that men are like a fine wine...we only get better with age. The next day ,she locked me in the wine cellar.

   Support the economy, buy me a beer.

   if you forget Valentine's Day and your lady gets angry just tell her you were waiting for Presidents Day to combine the two into one special evening.

   i should not be allowed to send text messages to the opposite sex between the hours of 8pm and 7am fri-sun morning it only results in me making an a$$ of myself

   has been considering a lobotomy... it seems like a no-brainer.

   I never wear cologne to an important meeting. I bench an old fridge 10x & let my jungle pheromones show them who's boss.

   After many bad reviews it's clear the Blackberry playbook is no threat to the iPad. In response Apple release the iToldYa

   I learned 3 things from "Look At Me Now": Chris Brown is getting paper, Busta Rhymes has four tongues, and Lil Wayne doesn't eat sushi

   BREAKING NEWS: Rep. Weiner has apologized to Paul Revere.

   wants everyone to know that June is "Chafing Month"!!

   Don't wast your time being the one who is always there desperately waiting and being just an option.

   Trump gets criticized for wanting to boink his own daughter, but dam, I want to boink her too.

   Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

   God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

   The last time the Cubs won a World Series, the Republican Party favored voting rights for African-Americans.

   I took my ex out last night, it only took one punch! :)

   Sean Spicer told me that my poor eating habits and lack of exercise only play a limited role in my weight gain.

   I can't help wondering if the Oval Office has a special closet for Mike Pence.

   Lets bring back Chuk Noris!!! And get rid of Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake, Half man half woman former Kardashian husband now turned a woman who still likes women, Kardashians, Snookie, etc....