Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Seattle Supersonics are offensive to snails and turtles. 😛

   You think your having a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED.

   All those exercise videos are worthless, I watch them over and over and not even lost a Kg

   Daisy Dukes make my General Lee stand at attention.

   If I can’t taste myself on your beard when your finished, then your not done licking.

   US are specialists in making two countries fight.......Now they are fighting within themselves........Karma you Beauty

   Hey Lady, Please don't blame the Holidays ..... For Pete's Sake ..... You you were Fat in August!!!

   Whatta ya want for breakfast? Burnt toast and a rotten egg. Burnt toast and a rotten egg? Whatta ya want that for? I got a tapeworm and that's good enough for him!

   I don't care about self driving cars. . . What I really want is a self FLYING car.

   Bae, I got you bae. -Sonny & Cher 2014

   I'm so glad I don't have to hunt for my own food. I don't even know where sandwiches live

   I just pressed the Popcorn setting for defrosting on my microwave and it said "wrong button".

   Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

   With our election choices, I now know how hard it is to be a gold digger!

   Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

   Don't forget that the guy who's the reason for the season loves you! And I don't mean Sam Walton.

   Outlook for the rest of winter ... Criss de colisse de tabarnak?!?

   Betty white to preform at next year at 2022 Superbowl ...

   11.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

   To say things are going "swimmingly" is always a good thing. Except when you're on a cruise.