Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A few of my favorite things: 1. Raindrops on roses 2. Whiskers on kittens 3. Bright copper kettles 4. Warm woolen mittens 5. Coffee and pizza..

   Sure, soccer is the worst thing ever but at least when some smug idiot tries to tell you "it's football" you can punch him without remorse.

   "Frosted Flakes is a part of this complete breakfast,,, which is also complete if you remove the Frosted Flakes."

   Ladies, it's October, breast cancer awareness month, I'm giving free breast exams. . .

   Hay girls! Not getting to swallow is like dropping your ice cream cone.

   Iran sends monkey into space, the UN needs to check that, they might be building a zoo up there!

   In 1984 I was 10 and burried a time capsule to be opened on new years day 2014....Well the day is almost here and I am so excited to see how big my puppy has gotten

   It really pi$$es me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

   According to D!ck Clark this new year's eve is going to be the "besjtkdksnsm newsjsjsoa evesjdddb."

   My cuzn's baby's daddy's lil bruda's bes fren's uncle's x-wife's boyfren's mama's awnt's nexdoe neigba's susta in law said tell you Mur Cripmus!

   Lovin my early Christmas present of a Massage Chair! Work never felt so good!.. Now if someone would just invent a vibrating tampon I could start lovin my periods too

   Am always telling the truth unless am lying.

   It wouldn't be a normal Sunday on the couch watching the Baltimore/Indianapolis game without the Erectile Dysfunction commercial. 4 hours? Goddamn.

   Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?

   (f*-*)f(f*-*)f(f*-*)f <<Thriiiller!!!

   thinks Katy Perry should be offered as a flavor at Baskin Robbins.

   yeah and you have justin bieber......... your play america

   teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool.

   Who is "Taxes" and "IRS"? Those jerks have been sending me junk mail for years.

   wanders if a turtle lost it's shell would it be homeless or naked? :)