Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do Vampires shave each day.....I mean they are not able to see their reflection in the mirror.

   When your shirt isn't tucked into your pants, your pants are tucked into your shirt. Think about it.

   One hell of a Tuba lesson today. I nailed it.... [Anne Franks last diary entry]

   dude where's my plane

   People who change after change will Survive... People who change with change will Live... People who cause the change will Lead...!

   Cop: Sir, you were going 69 in a 65 *Exhales cigarette* All I do is 69 *Cop high fives me* You're free to go sir

   If I was religious I'd probably just argue with God a lot.

   I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought. Then I realised I'd left the "R" out of Gary.

   This post is closed captioned for the hearing impaired. (THIS POST IS CLOSED CAPTIONED FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED)

   Are the Red Sox supposed to be Amish metrosexuals for Halloween?

   A guy walked into a Psychiatrist's office wearing clear plastic pants. He said, "Doc, what's wrong with me?" The doctor looked at him and said, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

   An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her over....yep she needs a walker!

   Perhaps Donald Trump should educated all the uneducated people he continually thanks by giving them all scholarships to attend Trump University.

   It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.

   LIFE HACK: hide a hot dog in your popcorn to give your date something to play with while you enjoy the movie

   "You swallow 8 spiders a night" I repeat to myself over and over looking for more. I have only consumed 5. It's 4am. Dawn will break soon.

   You can keep your justin bieber I only listen to bands like ZZ top at least I know they can grow facial hair

   Coworkers were having printer problems, but I only heard the end of the conversation when they said "There are sheets jammed up in there." So natrually I recommended a laxative.

   I got so much crap to do and I'm sitting around like a dingleberry.

   The single hand that wipes your tears during your failures, is better than the hands that clap for your successes...