Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look, all I'm saying is that the dinosaurs didn't drink alcohol and look what happened to them.

   Divorce---When being wrong every day for being alive isn't working for you.

   Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate

   I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

   If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.

   I assumed a coworker was pregnant. She told me no, just six months fat... We laughed and laughed and then she stabbed me.

   Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican. Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers.

   I just saw a commercial for Ramen noodles on the Food Network. Now that takes some balls...

   I'm confused. Celebrity comedians are paid millions of dollars... Yet the funniest people on the internet are janitors and stay-at-home moms.

   Sucking on a woman's nipples helps prevent breast cancer. Make sure you know the woman, cops don't care if you were trying to save her life.

   I can always tell if it's going to be a good year based on how fat or skinny Christina Aguilera is.

   The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.

   Oh honey, you're not pretty enough to be that stupid

   Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product

   Its called KARMA and its pronounced "Ha ha you got served what you deserve"

   If anyone asks, I'm drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

   Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters

   What's another word for word?

   I sympathize a lot with Darth Vader because he had so much trouble juggling career and family.

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: "This one had insurance. Don't kill him."