Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thank goodness tim joined us. Haven't seen these jokes in days...

   If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn't start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I'm going to be pissed...........

   "Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?" "I'm too drunk, Officer. You get in."

   I called my local pizza joint last night. I asked for a thin crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.

   Fake friends are like shadows, always near you at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hours.

   I think that if I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, for the irony.

   my anger management class pisses me off..

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus."

   Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.

   Due to the shortage of great leaders, I have decided to follow myself.

   wonders why the Trojan condom is named after the Trojan horse? Isn't that the horse that penetrated the roman walls then broke open spilling hundreds of men into the city?

   That Awkward Moment When: An Emo Goes To Mcdonalds And Orders A Happy Meal

   No. Standing as close to me as you possibly can, will not make the line move faster.

   There's nothing wrong with being short. You may be the last to know when it rains but you're the first to know when there is a flood.

   Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.

   Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks. And now we wait....

   Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.

   If her bra matches her panties when she takes her clothes off, then it wasn't the guy that decided to have sex.

   PRO Halloween money saving tip, put an empty bucket on your front porch with a sign that reads "Take One"

   I'm at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.