Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.

   Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you're ignorant and make bad decisions.

   I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.

   Facebook needs a button that's the equivalent of kicking someone under the table to stop them from making a fool of themselves.

   If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!

   thinks it's funny that "LOL" has gone from meaning "Laugh Out Loud" to "I have Nothing Else To Say"

   Wishes he was a white crayon, so no one would use me...

   Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...

   On relationship status they should have "is getting played by_____________"

   Im a good enough person to forgive you, but not stupid enough to trust you....

   That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can't chug that whole beer!"

   Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.

   My girl told me that her fantasy f*ck would be Brad Pitt. Then she went mental because I told her mine. Apparently Amber from next door wasn't a good answer,

   I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent... twisted... gyrated... jumped up and down... and perspired for a half an hour. But by the time I got my tights on.... the class was over!

   If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

   Girls need to start looking for guys who have goals, ambitions, and an education because 10 years from now "swag" isn't going to pay the bills.

   Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it's my modesty that stands out.

   One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn't Nintendo.

   I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.

   Reason why I check my voice mail... 5% Because I care about my missed calls, 95% to remove that annoying icon.