Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chuck-E-Cheese, because it's never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling...

   I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties.

   I put bubble wrap under my mattress during sex. It sounds like fireworks. Makes for much more festive mood

   I refuse to join your birthday calendar cult!

   still doesn't understand what the hell I'm supposed to do with the white crayon…

   What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes,

   I get worried when I see a pattern on my multiple choice sheet....

   it's ok to kiss a fool, it's ok to let a fool kiss you, but never let a kiss fool you.

   Opportunity knocked, but by the time I took off the chain, pushed back the bolt, unhooked two locks and shut off the alarm, it was too late..

   a problem with Kinect for X-Box... if I wanted to use my entire body to play sports... I would just play sports.

   People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.

   Dear AT&T Wireless, Thanks for transferring me to nine different agents with nine different accents...I am exhausted from this world-wide tour.

   If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, amen,"

   The question asked "have you ever been convicted of a crime" followed by "explain why"... so I put "no" and "good lawyer."

   someone told me I am immature and need to grow up...so guess who is not allowed in my treehouse now

   During sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She: "What are you doing?" Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, its called Buffering

   I just pulled up beside a police car on the highway and waved frantically for him to pull off to the side. When he did, I walked up slowly to his window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" He didn't find it as amusing as me.......

   Somehow, hitting the 'end call' button on the cell phone just doesn't feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.

   I will never be too old to enjoy driving by a stranger, honking, and waving just to see the confused look on their face and awkward wave back.

   I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "just kidding."