Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy's pickup truck leaves him too.

   Alexa, what the hell are these Asian ladies saying about me in this nail salon?

   In a galaxy 40 billion light years away some alien dude is saying, “but I’m not like the other guys,” while an alien lady rolls all 37 of her eyes.

   I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

   "This isn't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo

   My sandal invention for people with one leg turn out to be a flop.

   Today's Tip of the Day:Taste your words before you spit them out.

   As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life.

   Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 40

   Apparently it's inappropriate to show up at your therapist's home to swim in his new pool even though your "boundary issues" paid for it.

   I went to a wedding last night and they played “The Twist” so I twisted, next they played “Jump around “ so I jumped around. Next they played “Come on Eileen “ I think you know where this is going.

   Japan has built humanoid robots to do construction work. The robots are so human like that they have three reports of sexual harassment.

   Maybe people would be more concerned about saving the planet if chocolate and coffee were on the endangered list.

   KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal Me: Family?

   Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say, "ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"

   Forget dancing like no one is watching. Dance like a toddler. They don't even care if there's music....

   Diet Journal, May 10th: Ate 3 saltines like a wolf pack taking down a caribou.

   If Trump wins the election it'll be the first time in history that a billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black family.

   is upset that facebook won't let him start a relationship with himself

   Just a Christmas reminder. Buy your kids a big pack of batteries and attach a card that says "Toys not Included".