Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Without a shadow of a doubt, if my boss and I were "FB friends", I would've been fired over 5 times through the years...and forced to submit to at least 2 mental health evals...

   How many SJWs does it take to screw a light bulb? A: One. They hold it in place and expect the world to revolve around them.

   Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you're horny, but can't stand to look at each other !

   I'm not trying to brag but I can wear the same size socks today that I did in high school.

   We all have faults. It's just that mine are better than yours.

   Me and my recliner go way back.

   Happy National Day of Predation.

   My body is so exhausted but my mindset is wide awake.

   If yesterday was "May the Fourth Be With You" is tomorrow "Revenge of the Sixth"?

   So, someone stole my credit card number last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That sums up my day....you?

   Day 4 of no alcohol: Morale is low. I just drank some eye drops.

   We're not meant to live alone, find someone. Lock them down the basement if you must.

   "The force is strong with this one". Me on the toilet.

   How different our world would be if the time & money invested to create the various ways to destroy each other was used to save us instead.

   Reverse cowgirl, cause eye contact is extra.

   Auto correct is simultaneously my best friend and my worst enema

   a man was making love to a village girl without protection.... she-you are not using protection,i hope you don't have AIDS? him-no,i don't have AIDS she-thank God,i don't want to get that thing again! the guy fainted

   No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening

   Why can't Star Wars fans ever get laid? Because they are looking for love in Alderaan places.

   Don't worry about the problems in North Korea. We've sent the B-52's over. They'll surrender once they've listened to Love Shack a few times.