Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Traffic signals: Red = Stop and look at phone. Green = Listen for horn signals. Yellow = Go

   . Don't wear skinny jeans if you don't have skinny genes. Just saying

   I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.

   Leaving out one letter can cost you thousands of dollars in legal fees: "Doll I'm having a blast in Las Vegas, wish you were her."

   Some mornings you just can't smell enough coffee. ☕️

   How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

   Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

   I was wearing glasses before it was a Snapchat filter...I'm a trendsetter

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work

   Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?

   I really hate conflict........unless you guys like it,in that case I love it.

   You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died

   Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option

   That concludes the Time Travelers Club meeting, see you all last month.

   I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar

   I don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo. - said no Juan ever.

   Auto correct is my worst enema

   Harvard researchers now claim that "eating boogers are good for you" adding they are a "rich reservoir" of bacteria. Yeah well, so is toilet water, but that don't mean I'm drinkin' any.

   Hmmmm, Those guys who usually mow my whole yard for 20 bucks were celebrating for some reason down at the Home Depot today.....

   not having to set an alarm is one of the greatest feelings EVER!