Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fidget Spinners: Is that like really small women with Turetts Syndrome?

   Having a terrible night with my date and her husband

   Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.

   If God loves us why do we have ear hair

   Ted Cruz arrested for cannibalism after eating a bowl of Jell-O

   Roger Ailes (1940-2017) is survived by Satan, Cerberus and Bill O'Reilly.

   CNN just published a study that states if you skip breakfast, eat a light lunch and a big dinner, you won't lose weight. In a related study, fire is hot...

   My exercise program consists of following women at the store who are wearing tight yoga pants.

   I was once bitten by a rattlesnake. After three days of painful suffering and writhing in agony it finally died.

   Literally the day after the special investigation and this is found. Count your days Teabillies, back to the trailer parks you go.

   Know why single women are so thin? They come home, look in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, look in the bed and go to the fridge.

   They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.

   Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed

   Based on the speed and incline of the treadmill, the woman next to me at the gym broke up 2 weeks ago

   If it weren't for marriage, many of us would go through life thinking we had no faults at all

   I walked in my girlfriend cheating on me with a 6 '8 280 lb Linebacker all I said was " Yo Sis, Dinner is ready"

   Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.

   When Spock mind melds with Kirk they're collectively known as Spork.

   If you're not blowing chunks of wedding cake out of your nose for 3 days after the wedding, ,, are you even technically married?

   If a gynecologist uses an instrument called a speculum, does a proctologist use an instrument called a reculum?