Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saw a report naming the 20 worst cat food. Mine gets #1. He deserves it that cat bastid.

   I think I just seenPodesta going down I95 in a white ford bronco

   How's that wall coming along? I hope it hasn't obstructed traffic for you guys.

   What do an illegal alien and a cue ball have in common? The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.

   I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.

   So tired I just ignored a fly walking on my face like I was in an 80's hunger commercial.

   the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it

   Does Octomom still have those 6 kids.

   rare sighting of me by a neighbor

   They let Robocop keep his human mouth because eating pu$$y is a valuable crime-fighting technique.

   [me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this

   I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.

   You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

   its impossible to play hide and seek with the dog

   Shortest 1st date ever she asked what's my favorite movie & I said Ghostbusters & then she asked what's it about..

   He died doing what he loved: Wearing a floral print romper to a biker bar.

   The "nut job" told the "nut jobs" that the head of the FBI is a "nut job" You can't make this stuff up

   I plan on buying some men's Rompers. Right after I get a vag installed in the space where my dik and b@lls once occupied.

   I'll never understand someone from upstate NY bragging about their food. Listen up, Schenectady, you're not NYC, you're Vermont Jr.

   The earliest bird gets the worm, and the second mouse gets the cheese