Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bars are opening early Thursday. Russian vodka shots 1/2 price....

   people either say i'm "pretty funny" or "pretty smart" but they always forget the word "and"

   I wish we lived in a better world. A world where I can order mozzarella sticks, and not get judged or quetioned when I ask them to put cheese on them

   Tupperware...how about TupperWHERE IS THE FRIGGIN LID!

   If I ever I start thinking about get married I'm going to first let them use my slow as molasses computer with slow Internet service just to see who they really are.

   People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."

   My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. She said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.

   Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That's like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."

   If Justin Bieber thinks he's the Kurt Cobain of this generation why hasn't he killed himself yet?

   I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

   ICEBERGS: Ha ha!.. We just sunk the Titanic... HUMANS: Oh yeah?... We'll show you. . We'll show ALL you!... *starts global warming

   I just keep telling myself you guys don't have sex either.

   My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We'll see about that.

   Donald Trump has 515 companies, four of which have gone bankrupt. Bill & hillary have had 5 and all 5 went bankrupt.

   I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.

   I'm not musically inclined so I orchestrate robberies.

   How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when the crook gave up and threw the gun at him?

   Surely if Steve Buscemi of all ugly people can have a successful career in Hollywood, there is nothing that should stop you from achieving your own goals.

   Your small talk is beginning to make my eye twitch.

   How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?