Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Sentimental Growth Story Me: Can you please grow? Hair: Nah..! Muscle: Nope..!! Salary: Don't even dream..!!! Tummy : Bro, for you anything.

   This entire gender neutral thing has gone too far. I just saw a commercial on tv for Mama John's.

   The Patriots are going to the Super Bowl? Who doesn’t love a good overdog story?

   They say time & water carved the Grand Canyon. I washed my underwear 20 times in Tide with Bleach and yup, skid marks still there.

   Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just loosen all the jar lids and keep the silence going !

   I signed up for aerobics classes and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

   To help prevent teen pregnancy. High schools should hand out a C.D. of a crying baby instead of comdoms.

   Ever wonder if pandas know they're cute?

   1 in 6 Millennials has a 100k saved, while 5 in 6 have 100k worth of tattoos...

   In this day and age where kids expect their parents to do everything for them, it's encouraging to see them washing out their own mouths with soap.

   Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send

   Different ways to say "NO": German: Nein - Russian: Niej - Arabic: La - Women: Yes, but ...

   We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like....... "well i'm bored, lets go brush our teeth!"

   My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.

   With the time difference between the eastcoast and westcoast. When you air travel from east to west. You literally are time traveling to a time that you already experienced.

   So the Canadian prime minister contacted Kentucky before the president did after the shooting. When did Canada become better than us?

   I changed the audio of my GPS to a man's voice. Now it just says "It's around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."

   Scientist have now cloned monkeys. Next on the Primate ladder before they reach humans- Politicians.

   As an optimist,I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.