Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a girl says "Aw that's that's very sweet of you" to a male friend who asks her out on a date what she's really trying to say is "Back into the friends zone with you!"

   For Sale.. 2019 gym membership Willing to trade for a case of beer and a large pizza...msg me for details...

   My New Year's resolution is to be more social by deleting all my social networks.

   I should ask all of my exe's on a scale of 1-10 how good of a boyfriend I was...and then totally ignore anyone who doesn't say 10 cause I cant stand liars

   "It's December 26. Happy Valentines Day!" - a store near you.

   my New Year's resolution is to exercise (my right to be lazy)

   Loving and all these Christmas photos you're posting of your families who look as joyous and festive as the family who came with a picture frame I bought a while ago, who I also don't know.

   Wednesday is the new Monday and Thursday is the new Hump Day.

   Happy Confused Camel Day!!

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. For skills I possess when shaving my nuts that I could apply to other aspects of my life!

   To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into an Italian restaurant.

   Advice for those people who want to discuss politics tomorrow at the dinner table... Just don't

   You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. Youre moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. Youve just crossed into Facebook!

   I think for Christmas Mark Zuckerberg should share some of his wealth with us all we helped him make, or at least give us fonts.

   You know what most people are getting for Christmas? Fat.

   What’s your favorite Nickelback song? Don’t even pretend you don’t have one or that you hate them.

   I like being invited to things, it’s the showing up that bothers me.

   Pictures of missing rich kids should go on the back of skimmed-milk!

   The liquor store clerk just wished me a Merry Christmas. As if he wasn't going to see me 5 more times before then.

   Looking back on all the crap I learned in school.... I’d say cursive writing is probably the least used skill ever taught.