Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you fill a Whoopee cushion with gravy it adds a new twist to a classic practical joke.

   When I die I hope my life doesn't really flash before my eyes. There is some $h!t from my past I'd rather not see again.

   Welcome to your 40s, you don’t even know why but you’re angry.

   Our first lady will be doing a live show. Will there be a pole involved?

   It looks like you're trying to defend someone's policies, would you like to turn on Caps Lock and disable spell check?

   I have a very rigid exercise routine, involving daily jogs to the fridge to see what I have to eat.

   AOC = arrogant obnoxious chick

   If confidence is shamelessly wearing your pyjamas in public at the grocery store, then yes, I am confident.

   I have severe attachment issues. I struggle with attaching my keys to my key chain.

   Demi Moore is French for half a Moore.

   Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, and the box of chocolate chip cookies preferably within arm's reach.

   I'm hoping the next big Trend will be modesty.

   You know you love your wife if you've ever written a hush money check to a porn star on Valentine's day.

   Every time I see one those signs handing on a telephone pole saying "Work From Home! Make Great Money! It's Easy! Call 1800 yada yada yada I can't help but think, if it's so easy why's someone out there working so hard hanging signs?

   I don't know what I'd do without facebook. But I'm sure it would be something more productive.

   Don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.

   Just because school isn't for you, doesn't mean rapping is.

   Tweeting is not a valid defense, it's like having your getaway driver testify he never saw you rob the bank.

   Only resort to violence if necessary like if a coworker says "another day in paradise".

   "No, I just carry it around to look cool" was my reply after being asked "Do you play?" in regards to the guitar on my back.