Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the dumbest thing you ever believed as a child? That people above 18 years of age are automatically adults.

   I put my fitbit on the refrigerator handle. Amazing, my daily activity has increased 10 fold....that's the ticket....

   My noise reduction feature on my new hearing aid dosen't work..... I can still hear my wife yapping.

   Cop: Sir,do I have your permission to search your vehicle ? Me: If I say no,will you bring the K-9 unit out ? Cop: Yes ! Me: Can I pet the dog ?

   I'm holding a Twitter conspiracy meeting tonight. Don't tell Devin.

   ‪I need a tax person who’s not afraid of prison. ‬

   Mmmmmm, I want some hamberders.

   I'm Irish for a day.

   To celebrate St Patrick's Day, I think I'll go to my favorite Irish restaurant. McDonalds.

   No one hits me with an egg and gets away with it!

   Dear Netflix, I like the foreign movies you play but nein sprechen sie Deutsch, so please stop playing one's without subtitles I don't understand. Thanks

   As a parent my diet over the year has primarily consisted of all the food my kids have left on their plates.

   Sorry I can never be serous on facebook as it's just a website that shouldn't be taken too seriously. Like seriously.

   Devil worshipers crack me up. Why would you worship a diety that lost a fiddle contest to some Georgia hillbilly?

   Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn." Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

   Some of these self proclaimed “Instagram models” look like their birthstone is crystal meth

   The difference between men and women is that men insult each other but don't really mean it and women compliment each other but don't really mean it.

   So...Laveon Bell turned down $70M from the Steelers, sat out a year w/o pay and signed with the Jets for $50M. No wonder those guys always go broke...

   Coffee spelled backwards is "eeffoc". Just know that I don't give eeffoc until I've had my morning coffee.

   Alcohol kills!....But on the bright side of that, if it wasn't for alcohol most of my friend's would have never been born.