Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   He has so much thoughts and prayers to offer, he offered them to the wrong city. Best entertaining two and a half years so far!

   I just picked a crumb off my shirt to eat, but it was a fuzz. I chewed it for about 13 seconds before I realized it wasn’t food. My cry for help is almost complete.

   Sorry I’m late, I was busy proving my existence to an automatic faucet again.

   He says the mentally I'll shouldn't have access to guns, yet he literally repealed the law that blocked their access to guns his first month in office.

   If I got attacked by a bunch of homeless people I think I would really be bummed.

   I'm aware that Flesh-Eating Bacteria is terrible, but if anyone knows of a Fat-Eating bacteria I'm all ears.

   Netflix is raising their rates again, as if we weren't paying enough to endlessly scroll their menu finding nothing good to watch.

   Uber, but they come and pick up people that don’t stop talking

   Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it..

   The Dentist said I need a crown. Finally someone who understands me!

   I don't know about you, but I love paying $1,600 on an iPhone. Thank you, who ever is in charge.

   I asked my wife why she married me. She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!” FML

   Taking a dog named "Shark" to the beach is a very bad idea.

   I have decided who I'm going to vote which is, none of facebook's damn business.

   I just want to be as happy as the characters in any horror movie are during the first half hour of the film.

   my dr says to eat a piece of meat no bigger than the palm of my hand...good thing the Big Mac is stacked

   It's strange that it's socially acceptable for me to get into a swimming pool with a complete stranger but when I do the same thing in a bathtub, all of a sudden I'm "under arrest".

   There's a good NOVA documentary on Netflix about black holes that will just suck you in.

   Can I lick the beater? Is what I ask when my wife is giving me a hand job.

   When I was a kid, we used to call tobacco stores and ask "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" And when they said "Yes we do" we'd say "Well why don't you let him out!?"