Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist's office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I'm passive aggressive.

   "My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college" #SpoiledKidsComplaints

   shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

   Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars - might recommend.* *mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

   The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in. His head near his mother and his feet kicking my c

   Peter Fonda died. Let me guess, Hilary killed her too?

   you know your farts really stink when the dog get up and leaves the room

   Everyone seems so normal until you become Facebook friends with them.

   “They’re going to pay for the wall” WRONG “They’re going to pay the tariffs “ LIE!

   Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

   You're trying to get me drunk aren't you? Me to myself

   "Kill Bill" but it's me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

   The next person who says I'm using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

   SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU *shakes buy one get one free coupon*

   Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

   craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

   Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it's so nice meeting people who don't care how they look

   If you haven't met someone, don't despair. There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

   Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

   *Eating my third bowl of ice cream* I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.