Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.

   Verizon called me complaining that my map was in their way.

   "The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."

   "I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone."

   money was tight this year, so he bought the kids batteries that said "games not included."

   Wanted to play a game called Everybody Hates X, but realized that nobody would play because everybody hates X

   Carpe Edam - Sieze the Cheese

   Dear God, This year, please send clothes for all those poor women on Uncle Bob's computer. Amen

   wondering if we are supposed to call them "man made disasterists" since it's not terrorism anymore.

   doing research to come up with a vaccine for stupidity. Please donate accordingly.

   always snickers when people say their computer went down on them.

   needs money for alcohol research. Please donate.

   wonders who the smart a$$ is putting all the w's in the M&M's?

   one good wish changing nothing, one good decision changes everything!

   The vet confirmed my dog is now officially lame. I'll start walking her in Ed Hardy gear then

   why does it seem like Toys 'R Us just threw up in my living room???

   remember the good old days when Nigerians were just scamming people on the internet...

   ▂ ▃ ▅ ▆ █ AT&T 3G - I got your map right HERE Verizon!

   enjoying a nice bottle of vintage DayQuil '09. The texture is like honey, taste like crap with touch of lemon

   would rather check Facebook, than face his checkbook!