Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fire them...all of them! It's time to make a change Jerry...

   It must be so easy to be an NFL quarterback. Especially if you have a helmet with a star on it. All you have to do is dance around a little, fall down as soon as someone gets near you, then collect your millions.

   Did you hear that there's a "no fly" zone over San Diego on Sunday...... a huge lightning storm is coming....... grounding all "Jets"......GO BOLTS!!!

   And what if we all proceeded to a total destructuring of a paradoxical, macropterous relentlessly terrigenous abiotrophy using the timeless quadriform viewpoint of continuous kleptomania antisepsis?

   it was all good just a week ago.

   accidentally gave himself a "Dutch Oven".

   I don't have a short attention span...................Ooo Shiny!!

   not going to college...shes becoming a Burrito Taster!

   wondering if there is such a thing called the "WHINE" flu... If so I am pretty sure my kids have it

   glitter is the herpes of the arts and crafts world! You just can`t get rid of it once its on you

   loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.

   If you are what you eat, then I'm fast, cheap, and easy.

   thinks that now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me.

   Dear Santa: I would like a bailout and a bonus. I have been really bad this year and therefore I deserve it.

   thinking Scientists do it on the table... periodically

   ...was a child, she spoke as a child, thought as a child; when she grew up she put away childish things... But then she discovered FaceBook!

   gonna laugh 2 years from now when all of those people who thought the world was gonna end on Dec. 22, 2012 realize that they are still gonna have to go out and buy Christmas presents.....

   Just saw this on the back of a car: "My child is an honor student, but my president is a moron."

   I am starting my diet and exercise program next Monday – I am tired of looking like I ATE four children instead of like I HAVE four children…

   can't really remember, but I think my life must have been a lot more productive before she discovered Facebook...