Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tell me your dreams and fantasies! Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

   Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

   The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

   Dear Hollywood, If you want to make your zombie movies more realistic you need to stop creating zombies with scars unless you expect us to believe someone is stitching them up.

   wouldn't it be nice if the past 2 1/2 years turn out to be an episode of Punk'd

   I really don’t understand why my neighbors have to be outside when I’m outside.

   My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

   Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school? Me: no Therapist: no come on, they must have

   If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

   The thing about Stockholm Syndrome is you can't really remember what it's like to not have kids.

   There's a difference between when a woman is furious and when she's irate. It's the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.

   I'm finished with online dating sites as women never look like their profile pictures, and I usually get stuck buying the drinks until they do.

   I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

   If you want a sneak preview of the new iPhone 11 just look at your iPhone 10 and pretend it costs $600 more.

   As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well...except mom was ticketed for littering

   I knew I was going bald 5 years ago when it took longer and longer to wash my face.

   me: *running around the operating room in circles screaming* patient: who's that? nurse: your trauma surgeon patient: wow he's good

   I bet a lot of optometrists retire next year, you know... 2020.

   Seems like somebody should have sued producers of "The Neverending Story" for false advertising

   The SPCA needs to open a bar. I know a ton of guys that bring home dogs from the bar.