Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you could have anything right now, what would you have? I want to have a healthy heart, to walk, to see, to hear, to have awesome friends and a wonderful family.....OH WAIT! I have that already so pretty much Nothing, man. I'm happy as is.

   thinks that the legalization of marijuana for medicinal purposes should have been part of the Health Care Bill. I could then have developed a serious case of anal glaucoma and I would be too stoned to care about all the money this is going to cost us.

   about to beat my di@# like it owes me money.

   ...and then Buffy staked Edward. The end... ahahahahaha....did I kill the series? Can we be done with Vampires Light ?

   If at first you don't succeed..... consider the fact that you may $%&! Suck!

   "no one told you life was gonna be this way," but later in the same song... "you're mother warned you there'd be days like these"...well did your mother tell you or not? Can I get some consistency please?

   "no one told you life was gonna be this way," but later in the same song... "you're mother warned you there'd be days like these"...well did your mother tell you or not? Can I get some consistency please?

   seriously ....BACON flavored Vodka !?!?!? Now all you alcoholics that are on the Atkins diet REJOICE !!!!!!! do the fat happy dance...and fall over !!!!

   wondering..uhh...if Wonder Woman's plane was invisible... how the $%@! did she find it?

   thinking Starbucks should come out with a Venti Cafe Mocha Xanax Rum STFU

   can't stand Cows. They're way too dramatic. If it's not one thing, it's an udder.

   Gimme back that Filet-O-Fish... Gimme that fish!

   Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.

   the only blizzard I want to see is from Dairy Queen.

   I like to go up to people playing Solitaire and ask "Who's winning?"

   Nice Legs What time do they open?

   your really ugly, please stop trying to take seductive pictures of yourself...

   I'll have a Cafe-Moca-Vodka-Valium-Latte to go please...

   wonders why people say "that sucks" for bad things; clearly they haven't had any experience that relates to the second word within quotes

   the guy in the stall next to you.I just made a noise so you know I`m there..