Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should make women wear red wrist bands at the club if they're on their period so the fellas will know if she's worth buying drinks for all night

   just heard that today singer Ricky Martin came out as gay. In other surprising news:President Obama is black, the economy stinks and cigarettes are bad for you...

   Schizophrenic...and So am I

   When your children come up to you after a minor incident and say," This is the worst day of my life!!!" Just look at them.....smile......and say, "You haven't seen anything yet".

   A craving for some cookies 'n MILF

   Just had a friend post "Awesome day, Dry spell broken." and his MOM clicked the like button and he responds "MOM! WTH?" and then she asks "oops how do I UNclick it?" HAHAHA!!

   One of these days I'm going to run in to this Murphy dude who insists on making these messed up laws... and he's going to get knocked the F out!!!!

   for people who think an invisible object cant kill you try hitting and invisible block on mario bros

   Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today,may burn your a*s tomorrow.

   if you need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service)

   Warning. Going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night does not prevent Monday. There is no cure.

   if you were a status....i`d like u.....!!!!!

   Bananosecond, n.; Time elapsed between slipping on the peel and hitting the pavement.

   LIE: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.

   Jewish fun fact: If you celebrate Passover on top of an overpass, you go back in time

   Have you ever said goodbye to someone before a long trip or even to leave somewhere for good, but you end up having to come back moments later for something you forgot? Does it make the original goodbye lose all of its sentimental value? Just wondering...

   i walked in to my local hardware store after work a member of staff asked if I wanted decking, I quickly got the first punch in before he had chance

   -- I come from a long line of Conga dancers.....

   Have you ever been on an elevator talking to someone (about nothing top secret really) and when anyone else walks in; everyone shuts up? Such a strange phenomenon...

   ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶ YIPPEE!!