Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pls stop being such ass, I have one enough to worry about. Lol

   A blonde filled out an application form. It said "sex" and options were "male" n "female". She crossed them both off and wrote "Lots"

   if at first you don't succeed, what makes you think doing it again with make any difference?

   its kinda hard to hide the fact that you farted in the bus when the only other person in it is the driver and you know both of you can smell it

   Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

   wonders if it's a coincidence that "Consider Christianity Week" (Mar 21-27) coincided with "World Folk Tales and Fables Week" (Mar 22-28)

   My mate told me that she was having nothing to do with me anymore because she was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail.

   If your wife or girlfriend forces you to carry a "man bag", it's official: you've been "pursey whipped."

   There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.

   spinning in his new office chair so I am away, now I am back, away again and back.

   thinks the best part about his job is that her chair spins!

   thinking bush doubled out debt it 8 years......obama will double that in 2! good job america!!

   slowly undressing behind you!

   wonders why the Trojan condom is named after the Trojan horse? Isn't that the horse that penetrated the roman walls then broke open spilling hundreds of men into the city?

   Gas for trip to Walmart: $4.75 Miley Cyrus movie: $19.95 Box of tissue: $2.95 Hand Lotion: $3.78 The look of disgust on the cashiers face:

   It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

   True happiness is getting that load off...your shoulders

   My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   realizes he is too apologetic sometimes. Sorry.

   Did you hear about the two car pile-up in the Walmart parking lot? 50 Mexicans died