Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   shoving crayons up her nose to brighten up her personality

   The signs of the hypocrite are three: when he speaks, he lies; when he makes a promise, he breaks it; and when he is entrusted with something, he betrays that trust.

   have a pheasant plucking day

   thinks there is nothing worse than accidently sitting on your reeses peanut butter cup at the beginning of your work shift.

   Censorship is █ very ██████ █████ in █████ ██████...

   realized my third grade teacher lied to me... I never use cursive...

   a master at mixed martial arts and crafts...

   singing , , , , , chameleon ♫♪ ♫♪ ♫♪

   I can't hear you over the sound of how Epic I am.

   has joined The Handsome Mens Club...

   If you can't be a good example, be a warning...

   statistically, 6 out of 7 midgets aren't happy...

   DONT YOU HATE THAT KID WHO REMINDS THE TEACHER ABOUT TESTS OR QUIZES....

   was anyone really surprised by Ricky Martin's coming out? I mean, it started when he was young...he was in the band Menudo, aka MEN - you - DO...

   Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus

   How can you tell if your chocolate Easter bunny is male or female? Bite it's head off. If it's hollow,it's a male.

   I don't care how comfortable crocs are, you look like a dumba$$!

   I don't care how comfortable crocs are, you look like a dumbass

   Ur attempts to make me jealous are hilarious and unsuccesful.

   I'm not rare. I'm just a limited edition.