Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In your face! They are now known as The Exonerated Five now. No matter what your God says, that will never change.

   All I'm saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don't we run more things on toilet power?

   I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she's all, "Just diet and exercise, guys!"

   I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

   Me: Is that a Yeti cooler? Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

   You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

   Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?

   I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..

   Facebook birthday reminders are great as they help me realize I have absolutely no idea who this person is to unfriend.

   I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped and shattered my phone.

   A taser but for people who say "it is what it is".

   New rule at Subway: You must give the person in front of you a Wedgie if they take more than 20 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want. 2

   "I'm going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt" -Men over 50.

   Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

   the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

   [my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor's note if you're gonna be late

   a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

   Can relate to pirates, because I too am after the booty.

   The best way to serve eggs for breakfast? Omelette you guys decide..

   I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that literally types whatever I say punctuation point