Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alcohol induced dreams make for all sorts of entertainment.

   Why do the guys at Footlocker get so mad when they can't force you to buy socks or extra shoe cleaner.

   there is a great need for sarcasm font.

   Hand jobs are like the WNBA a cheap imitation of something that men do better.

   ˜Sort of" shouldn't be used in certain phrases. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "It's a boy."

   Women are like newspapers, you should really get your own and stop borrowing your neighbor's.

   The biggest lie ever: I have read and agree to the terms of use.

   On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?

   Don't Kanye me!!! or I'll Chris Brown yo a$$... and Tiger Woods your mother!

   I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldn't have to go downstairs and be disappointed.

   Actually it only takes me 1 drink to get drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the 14th or 15th.

   I don't like how Facebook asks "What's on your mind?" I usually just lie and live with the guilt.

   In the Beginning, God made the Heaven and Earth. The rest was Made in China.

   This girl asked to take me out to dinner, I told her sorry I have a girlfriend. Her response... "Eatin' ain't cheatin'."

   suggests wearing an INS badge to Home Depot if the checkout lines are too long.

   your so vain you probably think this status is about you.

   off to see the wizard......apparently the brain he gave her doesnt work!!!

   had many people walk into her life and made it great. She has had many people walk out of her life and made it f*cking fantastic!!!

   considering buying a GPS for Mr. Sand Man, he seems to be lost and hasn't made it to her house the last three nights!!!

   NASCAR Driver Education: "Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Repeat."