Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love it when the person's laugh is funnier than the actual joke.

   A guy hears his wife's voice from the kitchen, "What would you like for dinner my love? chicken, beef or lamb?" He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." she yells back, "You're having soup you jerk! I was talking to the cat!"

   When you're a fast texter, two minutes is a long time to wait for a reply....

   Hannah Montana... I mean oops! Don't you hate it when you get the status feed and the search box mixep up? wow, how embarassing."

   Do your best to limit the number of boundaries you set in life. Not everything you're looking for lies within that yellow tape.

   Out there, happyness waits for everyone. In one direction or another. Some of us are just too ignorant to buy a compass.

   Forgetfulness is the device your mind uses to tell you what is important and what isn't.

   thinks "survival of the fittest is absolute BS!" Have you looked around lately?

   hates it when he goes to take a drink and the straw goes up his nose. Not cool when tryin' to impress the ladies!

   Earthquake in Mexico. 50,000 dead. England sending money, France sending food, US sending Replacement Mexicans. Pack your sh!t up, you're going home.

   thinking people need to quit quoting Steve Wright he wasnt funny the first 50 billion times we've heard it

   The first person who had hiccups must have been scared $hitless

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.

   I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

   Sorrry Facebook I trusted you manytimes I will not tell you what s on my mind anymore you keep tell people my secrets

   given a choice at birth a big penis or great memory!......... I cant remember what I chose

   Happy 267th birthday, Thomas Jefferson

   Its funny how sitting "boy girl boy girl" use to be a punishment...

   A friend of mine sent me a postcard with a satellite photo of the entire planet on it, and on the back he wrote, "Wish you were here."

   I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says "1 inch = 1 inch". I hardly ever unroll it.