Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If only he listened to his wife's "be best" campaign, then he wouldn't be in that predicament he's in now.

   Let me guess. The whistleblower is un patriotic because he was doing what he thought is right for the country, not blind loyalty.

   The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.

   I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

   Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

   Well if you didn't want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?

   My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.

   An upscale Asian restaurant called "Suit and Thai."

   If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She's a keeper!

   my girl said she wanna travel so I handed her a basketball & told her “take three steps”

   Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

   [forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

   Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He's laying in the snow and I won't share the picnic table with him.

   My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

   "Real men like a woman with curves" - Fat Chicks

   Pretty cool that there's no law saying you can't name your kid Squidward if you want.

   My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

   Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a "who wants to sleep on the couch" contest.

   I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed "dust me" on my coffee table recently.

   My bear's diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.