Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do all Mexican restaurants serve Pepsi and not Coke?

   Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

   Let's say you were to date someone for a few months and then they told you that they were actually " married". Is that considered good news or bad news?

   Half the lies they tell about me aren't true

   You know you're getting old when you no longer buy cereal for the prize but for the fiber content.

   just written "You have no new messages" on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and thrown it far out to sea.

   How much would it suck if your name was really "Ed Hardy"?

   Joran van der Sloot arrested for murder? Wow! If only there were warning signs.

   Justin Bieber is approximately the same diameter as the oil pipe in the Gulf......is anybody thinking what I'm thinking?

   Next for BP: they're going to add balsamic vinegar to the oil; turning the Gulf into a nice vinaigrette.

   Sign of the times when you don't take a newspaper or magazine to the bathroom with you anymore. Instead you take your iPad with you. Be sure to wipe the screen when your done!!!

   its very sad Adriana Xenides has died and I'm not even going to make a joke about it. That would be in_p_o_ri_te

   25% off this thursday

   Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired

   I fought the law and....the lawyers won.

   Beauty is in the Eye Of The Beer Holder.

   Biggest trade to date: Lakers to trade Jack Nicholson

   Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk past you again?

   I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

   I just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car... Can't wait to see how many people will try and flag me down...