Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Honoring those that forgot all the rules inflicted on you as a child. Those that forgot how to spank a kid's ass when they misbehave. Those that shamelessly spoil your kid, hype them up on sugar and then send them home. ♥ Happy Grandparent's Day <3

   at Ground Zero instead of a mosque they should construct a couple of tall buildings for global trade and commerce. They should be called something like the World Trade Center

   Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

   streaming Netflix's through a Blackberry tandem modem. Please don't call. The good part is coming up!!

   I remember September 11th like it was yesterday.

   Why are they calling the music I grew up on "Classic Rock"? I'm not that old...am I?

   Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

   Confucious says Some Sex Is Good...More Is Better...Too Much Is Just About Right

   more bored than plywood!

   if you we are in the midst of a text/chat conversation and you insist on suddenly delaying your responses withou informing me why then don't expect me to wait and wonder. I moved on after your first delay.

   i am a leader not a follower so therefore I dont twitter.

   wants to buy skittles and randomly throw them at people yelling taste the rainbow.

   Master Hathaway please save me from the evil toad mistress "I could darling but your butt is far too large to fit into the space"

   when the only thing you have is a hammer every moron resembles a nail

   apparently I'm not wearing a sweater vest but rather a "quilted wife beater" priceless

   I didn't get a lot in class but I know it don't come in a shot glass

   Some of the ugliest faces in this world hide behind a 12 pack of beer

   I just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "Dibs!"...

   I'm stripping for her via video chat, but the sound is turned off 'cause her students are taking a test.

   In college I was the Brett Favre of retiring from drinking.