Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does everyone insist on asking, "You ok?" after you hurt yourself? No I'm not f*cking OK. Can you not sense my agony?

   Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal.

   I love it when people say they haven't evacuated during a hurricane because they had to protect their homes. Who the hell do they think they are? Superman?

   If I can smell my water, I don't want it.

   Nobody says “long story short” unless it's already too late…

   Sometimes, I wish I could delete other people's Facebook Status updates.

   I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly an idiot.

   I don't know why people complain about wanting more hours in the day. If I had more hours I'd have to get more creative about how I waste them.

   I will play fair when I get to make up the rules.

   I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here.

   Facebook: Where people go to re-experience their childhood rejection & acceptance issues all over again.

   If you want something you never had, then you've got to do something you've never done.

   If anyone has trouble finding the key to my heart, I keep an extra set under the stones in my kidney.

   Don't you hate it when you're out with MC Hammer and he won't let you touch anything?

   According to the anti-piracy ads "Copying DVDs is stealing" By that logic, taking a photo is kidnapping.

   2 words have opened alot of doors for me....Push and Pull....

   purposely walked thru and disrupted a wedding so that I could then whip out mentos and pop one in my mouth and smile and make things all good again

   why don't they just make a James Bond Television Series? Because if you think about it, there's already enough movies to make one season."

   I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog's not housetrained.

   Anger is one letter short of danger.