Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren't me.

   Having a diet coke with your super-sized meal doesn't make it a ''healthy choice.''

   If I miss 11/11/11 11:11:11 I will be soooo pissed.

   If somebody ever stole my identity, I'm pretty sure they'd give it right back.

   My biggest fear used to be getting sick and dying, now it's of me dropping my cell phone in the toilet.

   I once told a police officer, I was going 90 mph cause I sh*t my pants, he let me go. It works people, it works!

   I'm building a fort in the living room with a sign that says "nobody else allowed" and I'm moving into it. Forever.

   People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh*t to yourself.

   If I could pick winning football teams half as well as I pick the stupidest, slowest cashier in Walmart, I could afford to shop elsewhere.

   I hope that guy that "wants to be a billionaire" makes $999,999,999.99 and then gets hit by a bus.

   I always feel uneasy when Friday the 13th falls on a Monday.

   When people text or typ "ROTFLMFAO" do you really think they are rolling of the floor laughing? If so how are they typing that status?

   it just me or would anyone else really like a hurricane named after them? Earl? Igor? Yuck!

   Eating Breakfast, drinking coffee, catching up on Facebook and listening to music. It's impressive to be this busy and still get nothing done.

   I just skimmed through 50cent tweet page. I can't believe the guy's only been shot nine times.

   So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn't even have to happen at all.

   Sometimes the dreams that come true are the dreams you never knew you had. Like when the vending machine gives you 2 soda's

   I'm not quite ready to declare this the 2,847th best day of my life, but it's certainly trending that way.

   When two meth addicts go out, is it considered speed dating?

   Rose tint my world keep me safe from my trouble and pain....