Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   showed my son the switch that makes the fridge light go off when the door closes. He looked at me like I'd just shot Santa in the nuts.

   I slap my own ass when having sex cause I'm that kinky. . . And alone.

   I call you sunshine.... not because you rise in the am; but because you go down at night.

   I'm ASKING you to read this and TELLING you a soldier chooses to serve and fight for ALL Americans unconditionally. Perhaps the government should return the favor

   You can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink, but you can make him wish he had!

   I believe in love at first sight....which is exactly why I stopped looking homeless people in the eyes. Just cant risk it.

   Oh, I see you're playing hard to get... I'm gonna play walk away.

   I like It when you smile...................... But I Love It When I'm The Reason.

   thinks if I ever get put in jail and sentenced to death - my last meal is going to be a McRib and a Shamrock Shake - that should buy me some time cause they are never available at the same time.

   thinks if I ever get put in jail and sentenced to death - my last meal is going to be a McRib and a Shamrock Shake - that should buy me some time cause they are never available at the same time.

   I saw a sign outside a church today it said: "The most powerful position, is on your knees..." *naughty thought*

   X Did you Just say somthing, or did your brain fart..

   You're skin is such a nice orange, what ethnicity are you? Carrot, perhaps?,

   There's a fine line between tan, & looking like you rolled in doritos.

   You're about as uselss as the first slice of bread.

   knows that my man really love me by asking him if he does while he's sleep talkin'. It works.

   Likes Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you.

   would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.

   Computer games don't affect kids. If Pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetetive music.........

   Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians.... it`s called "TRYDIXAGAIN