Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being a doctor who performs circumsion, I took all the foreskin tips to a taxadermist who made me a wallet. Great thing if you rub it a certain way it turns into a suitcase.

   says it is so cold outside, that even the guy at the gas station had a towel on his head!

   says its so cold today, that I just seen on the news that the fire department rushed to the strip club to pry 2 ladies from a pole.

   We can put a man on the moon. Create a device the cooks food in minutes if not seconds. We have GPS and smart phones. But we can't even cure the common cold??

   looking at photos and seeing how much weight I've gained which has inspired me to make a resolution for 2011: NO MORE PHOTOS!

   Allergy alert: This status may contain peanuts.

   forget to put your pants back on one time coming out of the fitting room at walmart and suddenly you're a "weirdo" who is no longer "welcome" in the store

   I expected the Eagles to loss. All the birds are dying anyway...makes perfect sense.

   I am drawn to people that seek the truth, but avoid those that profess to have found it. Take a hint preachers.

   You know you've been facebooking too much when you're watching TV and you try to unfriend a channel. 

   gonna go to church to confess my sins but I drank so much last night I can't remember them.

   Turning on Parental Control...restricting my wireless network so my mother cannot go on Facebook at certain times.

   I was painting the ceiling when my wife comes in and asks if I'm holding the brush tight, I said yes, why? I was told, "I'm taking the ladder!"

   I like the way you think. It's almost as if you don't.

   if you go from a smarthphone to a regular cell phone, you are automatic taken back to 2003 where we all lived like savages

   thinks any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn't convenient at all.

   OK, I just throughly cleaned out my truck from being on the road for 2 months working. What did I learn: 1) I should lay off the dollar menu 2) If TV series Hoarders, did a car edition they would ask me to star and 3) I am now getting 7 mpg more with all

   i went up 2 my smartest friend and asked what does idk, g2g, and ttyl mean? and he said I dont know, got 2 go, and talk to you later. so I said fine! bye!

   It has come to my attention that some of my posts or comments might have offended some of you. If I have offended you, I apologize. If I have NOT offended you, please be patient. I will get around to all my friends in the order received.

   thinks we should go into the dressing room at Wal-mart and say..Ummm excuse me, do you have any toilet paper?