Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men are terrified of women. Don't believe me? Go use one of those decorative towels in the bathroom. I dare ya."

   I have a recurring, hour-long meeting set on my work calendar for 4pm on Fridays. There's no actual meeting, but I'll be damned if I let someone schedule a real one at that time."

   If you die in a manner that leaves your body unrecognizable they identify you by your dental records; if they don't know who you are, how in the world would they know who your dentist is?"

   I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.

   I called a wrong phone number today. I asked, 'Is Joey there?' The woman says 'Yes.' I said, 'May I speak to him please?' She said, 'No, he can't right now, he is only 2 months old. I said, 'All right, I'll wait.'

   The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' and I said, 'Dust!'

   To make a small fortune in the stock market you need to start with a large fortune

   e-harmony proves that even people who wear shorts, dress socks and sandals CAN find true love.

   When I turn around, people throw me a welcome back party.

   I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy

   Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

   Canadian Bacon? why don't they just call it HAM. silly canadians

   Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

   I have an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and someone calls me up they hear a recording of a busy signal.

   Why is that you can always read a doctor's bill but never his prescription?

   sometimes it feels weird when you don't know why you hate someone for the first time you see them and even without talking to them.

   Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

   I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

   I've grown to hate low ceilings

   The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.