Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I could open up your head to see what the he// is going on up there

   Drinking & driving is extremely dangerous. Yesterday evening while driving, I stuck my arm out of the window to indicate right turn and someone stole my beer...

   received a reply from an X-Box Micro-softy telling me that the 'Red Circle of Death' is a 'Red Ring of Death'.... Well soooo sorry! But have you considered gatting a life or at the very least a sense of humor?

   Happy Mother's Day to all the Mother's that have touched my life and an unhappy one to all the Motherf#*ckers that I encounter everyday!

   Best advice my mom ever gave me .. "Marry a girl with small hands because it will make your pecker look bigger."

   Thank you Mom for everything you have taught me over the years.....especially that toilet training thing.. I can't tell you how many times THAT has come in handy!!

   "The '60s are gone, dope will never be as cheap, sex never as free, and the rock and roll never as great." Abbie Hoffman

   BBC NEWS: 8 suicide bombers blow themselves up killing at least 2 people. Now my maths isn't that great but surely there's a minimum of 8 people killed there.

   I seriously can't stand it when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

   "Cushion for the Pushin", embrace the Curves...

   not sure why any man would be in a polygamist relationship just increases the odds of having a psycho ex wife.

   Today the rest of you women don't matter til' Monday...and when Tuesday rolls around a couple of you still won't matter.

   I guess Mother's Day is kind of awkward to a woman who has had multiple abortions. Thanks mom for not pulling the plug on me! Happy Mothers Day. :)

   what is the differance between a black guy and a large pizza?? a large pizza can feed a family!

   Attention Al Qaeda recruits: Due to recent events, practice on the hand over hand monkeybars will be cancelled indefinitely.

   ...today's the day we mother's get some relief from the curse OUR mother's handed down when they told us "one day you'll have a kid JUST LIKE YOU!!" Have a great MOM'S DAY everyone!! =D

   If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.

   To all the Mothers and Grandmothers out there, whether here on Earth or an Angel in Heaven: Thank you for teaching us all we know. Being a mother is not easy.

   I just wanted Apple to know that I am still waiting for my iToilet.

   Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's piano? Neither has he.