Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   out making changes in his life... leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I dont get back to you - your one of the changes

   just saw an indian asleep on the train and noticed his red dot on his forehead and just thought to myself 'is he on standby?'

   The PopeMobile: Because Nothing says "I have faith in God" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.

   Pharmacist to Customer: To buy anti-depression pills, Sir you need a proper prescription.. Simply showing a pic of your wife is not enough.

   The 1st testicular guard was used in Cricket in 1874 & the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It took 100y to realize the brain is also important

   learned a lot about relationships from Super Mario Bros..sometimes, You have to pound a few Dragons to get to the Princess

   In the 90's we had Clinton in office. We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have Obama in office and we have no hope and no cash.

   Jell-O: Doubling the global demand for supply of Vodka since 1923

   I just thought of a quick way to spot a woman who is having that time of the month attitude problem! I call it the "Eye Pad!"

   Better get a bigger spatula before you try flipping that on me!

   That Awkward Moment When You Look Outside Your Window And Someones' Looking At You...

   FaceBook account for sale....Friends included!

   My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”

   Two plus two is five given very large quantities of two.

   My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you”.

   it "Pets Mart"? Or is it "Pet Smart"?

   Born Free and Taxed to death!

   If your going to ask a girl out, make sure you know you'll treat her right. I see some guys treat their Girls like garbage. It's a disgrace. Have some respect!

   If evolution was true, mothers would have more than two hands.

   A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest.