Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hopefully Charlie Sheen's fade into obscurity will be a one-way trip

   But enough about me, let's talk about you... What do you think of me?

   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet

   Don't go knocking on death's door, ring the doorbell and run, he hates that!!!!!

   There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

   I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

   When I have a kid, I'm going to go to the mall, put him into a double stroller, and run around looking frantic.

   my knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil

   Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

   Osama had porn, Pepsi, Coke, TV, strange drugs, three women and more! Are you sure we killed Osama Bin Laden and not Charlie Sheen?

   Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So let's get wasted and have the time of our lives!

   There are two words guys hate: Don't and Stop...Unless those words are spoken together.

   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally uses water.

   u wrote me a note and it said "n ss!w !" ...it didnt make sense till I turned it upside down!!

   Ashton Kutcher replaching Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men"?... Well, I guess it'll be called "One and a Half and a Quarter Man" now. -_-'

   I don't think an athiest has the right to listen to "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey!! Go listen to "Nothing Happens When You Die" and whine on your message boards!!

   The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

   No one will win the battle of the sexes, there is too much flirting with the enemy

   Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.