Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life needs more explosions and gaping plot holes.

   True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"

   Shouldn't all the parking spots at Walmart be handicapped?

   "Right." - Fred

   Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to

   Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

   I bet George Wendt's web browser has a lot of open tabs.

   Congressman Weiner accused of sending photos of his weiner to a college co-ed....too funny

   drinking beer so I can drive to the store tomorrow to return the deposit bottles so I can afford to buy gas so I may go get more beer this weekend. Its an endless cycle.

   I Helped an old lady cross the street today...had to .she was on my hood..!!!

   best pickup line of the day..."Ya wanna f**k or do I owe you an apology?"

   Marriage tip #392: Don't ever, ever start an argument with your wife with "Your f**kin' mother"......

   Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button

   Life is like art done in chalk, beautiful but temporary, enjoy it while possible.

   Whose idea was it to "be an adult?"

   Real men like curves; Only dogs like bones.

   you may have some pretty big muscles but my vajay is the most powerful thing in this room right now

   Today is "Save Your Hearing Day" soooo......I'm not listening to a darn thing anyone has to say today.

   ■That awkward moment when you're in the grocery store and someone is standing in front of the item you need, so you pretend to look at something else until they move.

   I hate my ducking iPhone, why the he'll won the son of a botch let me ducking swear? This is passing me off!