Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when you see her name on dialled , missed and receive calls , you know she is your girl friend

   if God created us in his image why the Hell don't we have powers?

   I put my WELCOME mat on the inside of my house so the world doesn't seem so scary when I leave.

   I remember when 69 was just a number..BJ's was just a store.. & doggy style was a way to swim.

   Life may not always give us chances, but it always gives us choices.

   Love me? Great. Hate me? Even better. Think I'm ugly? Don't look at me. Don't know me? Don't judge me. Think you know me? You have no idea

   Relationships are like sharing a book. It doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

   Ok... I was thinking My wife has 988 friends on FaceBook and knows 15 of them in person I have only 66 BUT I know ALL of them......???

   Found your nose again...it was in my business! Watched your wedding video backwards again...my favorite part it where he takes off the ring and leaves the church!

   I hate when I find parking space and there's already a motorcycle parked in it.

   Satisfied isnt her telling you how great you were afterwards....Satisfied is her being unable too speak afterwards...I Do Work Son!!

   If you aren't going to neuter your male dog then please make him wear underwear. I don't wanna see his junk anymore than I wanna see your's.

   ThatMomentOfPanic as a kid when one of your parents is coming at you with a belt..................."Do I stay or do I run!!!"

   You might as well do your Christmas hinting early...

   K.Y. Slip-n-Slide party at my place tonight!

   Okay, I'll stop. But shouldn't I listen first, THEN collaborate?

   I can't tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi, or right and wrong for that matter.

   It takes longer than 2 years to clean up 8 years of Elephant Dung but feel free to blame it on the guy with the broom.

   Mr. Kevorkian: Lifes a fragile thing. one minute your chewing on a burger, the next minute your dead meat...

   That awkward moment when you run into an EX that you have purposely avoided and broke up with on FB.