Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Three fun thing to do at Walmart: 1. Paint Hitler mustaches on all the smiley faces. 2. Have the manager page Mr. Harry Bawls. 3. Dress in hopes of being photographed for "People of Walmart."

   "Yes" is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you've consumed.

   What's with all these Facebook quizzes? Does it look like I give a shlt about what type of chocolate I am?

   So, I'm at the crossroads & Bone Thugs N Harmony is clearly not here... What a waste of time, and gas.

   Im opening up an all female casino... Liquor in the front, Poker in the back.

   If Dr. Seuss were alive today he might write a book about horrible footwear choices and call it Crocs with Socks... and then kill himself.

   The first thing on my to-do list is burning my to-do list.

   I'm so gangsta, I don't even report to Microsoft when Firefox unexpectedly quits. Snitches get Stitches B*tches!

   This Status Update could be yours for six Easy Payments of $19.99

   million dollar Idea! !!..Cologne for your balls that activates at the the drop of a sweat.

   Ladies, there's a BIG difference between make-up and looking like you've been attacked by Crayola.

   If you hit your girlfriend's best friend with a car, apparently, "I banged your best friend" is the wrong way to inform her.

   Had to have "the sex talk" with my 10 yr old. He was a little overwhelmed so I left out the part about golden showers and donkey punches.

   You ever notice how most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them? Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus...

   Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you.

   never wants to go to bed, yet I never want to wake up in the morning. Why can't my "late night" self make some kind of compromise with my "early morning have-to-go-to work" self?

   I wish I had sex as often as I get screwed.

   The difference between a good night and a great night is waking up nude.

   I judge you by what's behind you in your photos.

   Facebook: a place where people announce their problems to the world but not to the person they have a problem with.