Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I only do things the voices in my wife's head tell her to tell me to do.

   NO Katy Perry, I have NEVER felt like a plastic bag!

   In the car: Are we insane yet? Are we insane yet? ....

   Planking: Pretending to be a beached whale in places you wouldn't find a beached whale

   I don't care what people think of me. It can't be half as bad as what I think of them...

   Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

   if you're the type of neighbor that likes to scream and yell till 3am, then I'll be the type of neighbor to mow at 6am!

   how do you turn your dishwasher into a bobcat,,, give your wife a shovel

   Like the egg said to the boiling water...It's going to take me a few minutes to get hard, I just got laid last night. Cluck cluck cluck cluck.

   No matter how hot you think you look , a public restroom self taken picture makes you very unattractive.

   Next time a mosquito bites me, I am not going to itch it and give him very low self esteem.

   In the news today: Prince Harry is dating his cousin!! I also would be dammned first before I let anyone else date my cousin if she was that good looking.

   Prince Harry is dating his cousin? Aren't we all "distant cousins" in some sense?

   A beer bottle may not be shaped like a Boomerang but it still comes back to me every weekend :-D ;-) :-)

   You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on

   My body is not a temple…it's a distillery with legs.

   facebook should have a 'I AM ON THE RAG' notification for women

   Who needs soap operas, talk shows, reality tv, newspapers, and books when there is Facebook!

   The reality is that if you have a job that requires a name tag, I'll never give a crap what your name is

   I never feel as much panic as I do when the cashier asks me if I have their member card yet.