Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Pain is nature's way of saying, "Don't do that." Painkillers are mankind's way of saying, "Just watch me." 
They're not "Used Cars" anymore, they're "Pre-owned" I suggest "Divorce" be changed to "Pre-Loved"
Apparently if you have my good looks and go to a nude beach everyone gets jealous and they make you put your clothing back on.
Getting some cans of gas to make this years homemade fireworks show more entertaining.
Just like a baby I like to drink my dinner from a bottle.
Q: What do you have when Hillary Clinton is at the beach buried up to her neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.
There are no automatic doors. Just gentlemen ninjas.
If you look at life like a piano where the white keys represent happiness & the black keys represent sadness. As life goes on you realize the black keys make music too...d;^)
You know you drank too much last night when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator.
Hear about Sarah Palin and Michelle Obama posing nude for magazines lately? Yeah Sarah Palin was seen in playboy and Michelle Obama was discovered in National Geographics!!
My wife told me " it would be nice if you loaded the dishwasher once in a while after we eat." So after dinner tonight I'm going to buy her a 5th of jack.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left now turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
You are proudly invited to my BBQ party on the 4th where a large gathering of people will proudly display their dependance of alcohol on independence day!
you know you are the luckiest person when ur on the beach in the middle of 10's of people and a Pigeon decides to send you regards from above.
When I fall down a public venue, "Did anyone see me" totally outranks "Am I ok" on the thought process.
I would watch NASCAR if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.
Next time your in a car with someone who doesnt like your driving, wait till they're quiet and swerve on the road, then just normally say, "Ah, stupid ghost cars.."
If your ship has sailed, chase that damn thing down!
Definition of the word f**ked: When a man has a truck payment, a house payment, a wife, AND girlfriend...... And they're all a month late.
If we are what we eat... I'm fast, cheap and easy. 