Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone does about ten sit ups every morning. It might not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

   My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.

   Rumors are the sauce of a dry life.

   When I drop my phone, I act like I've dropped a new born baby.

   What are the benefits of these gold membership services for facebook? Will I have people digging for gold on my virtual farm?

   I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days

   so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn't think it would go THIS far..... sorry

   so we took a poll. and just as I suspected, nobody likes you

   I am currently taking donations to help keep Facebook free. Your donation will go to my legal team which will do everything in their power to ensure we don't way pay anything in the future. I am also looking at getting one of those TVs with the internet h

   The voices in my head thought it was funny... so what's your problem? Oh wait... you might be missing the best part... A sense of humor!!

   ttention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.

   I'm not going to apologize for it, cause the truth is I'd do it again.

   What's wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!

   Well, seems the dude that created Doritos died, Art West was 97 years old, apparently he died of nacho-ral causes....

   I personally do not like to drive in the rain but the kid in me LOVES(♥'s) to drive over the rain puddles =]

   prays for the day when all resturants have scatch and sniffs ...to get a good whiff of the meal before you order it lol

   ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

   I'm on a jet, flying to Europe. "Would you like dinner?", the flight attendant asked. I go, "What are my choices?". She said, "Yes or no."

   dreamt he wrote the Lord of the Rings last night...seems I was just Tolkien in my sleep!

   told his secretary this morning that her vocabulary was abominable to which she responded by asking me to keep her stocmach out of the question!