Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know that your nipples are lined up with your earlobes? :)

   I'll probably lose all the weight I want now that I've permanently lost my appetite after reading the headline "Nancy Grace Nipple Slip".

   That akward moment when you're texting someone and they end the conversation with a smiley face instead of "lol" and you don't know what to put back...

   "Dad, when can I use the car?" "When you cut that long hair." Why? Jesus had long hair." "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too!"

   Sh!t you not: My cashier's name was Kashir. Motherf*cker would NOT let me take a picture. He said he "don't geeve a sheet about fecebook."

   Ladies, not all men try to push your buttons. It's just that when you have hundreds of little b!tch switches, it's hard not to bump a few.

   Thinking about writing a children's book called "Stop asking me for sh!t."

   F*ck you light bulb it's my turn to be burnt out.

   I still want to walk away in slo-mo from a cool-looking explosion one day, but running away from a clogged toilet will have to do for now.

   I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and some I'd love to punch in the face!

   Some people call me a smart ass, I say I'm just smart with a good ass answer.

   Somewhere in the hood somebody mama is using they child's name to keep the house phone on.

   Are you really worried that much about your internet history in the afterlife? Everyone knows you masturbate to porn, don't worry. No one needs to clear it when you die.

   Dont let the ladies fool you cuz deep down they know they need us men...If not for the orgygasims then at least for are ability too kill spiders and open jars...

   It's going to take a lot more than a few “LIKES” on my Facebook page to make me forget what an ass you were in high school.

   Can we have a moment of silence for those unfortunate souls who have never smoked weed...

   If you have to question whether or not your behavior is acceptable - it's probably not.... and we should definitely hang out.

   "When all is said and done" It will be really quiet.

   I wish I could get fired and get paid $25 million like Charlie Sheen.

   Sorry, I'm not yawning because what you're saying is "boring." I'm merely stretching my mouth before I excercise it when I say "SHUT THE F*** UP!"