Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   adjusting your boxers does not constitute playing with yourself.

   Mirror: You look amazing. Camera: I don't think so... Friends: Hey you, someone looks beautiful! Self-esteem: You're ugly.

   Facebook is not the place to reveal your deepest darkest secrets. Your friends "like" you but they don't like you that much!

   You'll never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks. Rather keep biscuits in your pocket, feed the dogs & move ahead.

   I have a lot of friends practicing law without a degree. They all want to judge me.

   In kindergarden they call them cooties. in high school we call them STDs...

   This is how my week goes mooooooooooooonday.. tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday... weeeeeeeeeeednesday... thuuuuuuuuuuursday.. fridaysaturdaysunday....

   Maan !! You're 20 years old & she's 15 years old, HOW COULD YOU CALL IT RELATIONSHIP ? IT'S BABYSITTING !

   Hey Reality, I've a extremely large list of people you've forgot to slap!

   I'm sorry Real World.. I don't have time to get to know 7 more people.. My Fb is already full!

   I liked you when we first met but, since then, you've talked me out of it.

   Tonight's dinner was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I made it using the recommended serving amounts indicated on the jars. Who came up with these standards...an Ethiopian?

   PSA: You may “love” your boyfriend, But we'd all appreciate it if you didn't post it on Facebook every thirty seconds, thanks.

   Giving up is the easiest thing you could ever do But holding it together when everything else falls apart thats true strength

   Dear God, Please send some nice clothes for that poor lady in Daddy's computer who hasn't got any. Love, Paul XXX

   wholeheartedly believes I am someone's "evil twin", and I'm totally cool with that. What bothers me is that there is a wholesome, "goody-goody" douchebag doppelganger, somewhere in the world that has the ability to pose as me!

   It is hard to pull off gangster with a toy poodle sitting in your lap.

   renting a midget for Halloween.

   it rude to give a copy of photoshop at a baby shower? It's just that I know what both parents look like they're gonna need it

   Whenever I'm introduced to an old person I mentally add “osaurus” to their name.