Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you thank God for not looking like Rick Ross or Chris Bosh today?

   My mom thinks LOL stands for "lots of love" and texted me "Your Grandma just died. LOL."

   Obama quit smoking for his health? Dude the diseases you catch from screwing the entire country is gunna kill you first

   $2.75 Trojans or $19.99 Huggies?? You make the decision.

   The number one lie in the whole world is...i swear I will love you forever..

   Today's Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bulls**t.

   My gym bag is so funny. Today it was like “What does the outside of your car trunk look like?” and “What's a gym?”

   Don't you hate when your friends embarrass you in front of your real friends

   What kind of jerk would put a cat in a bag? I'm just so relieved it's out.

   Tries to make his burps sounds like a Transformer.

   I've given up looking for my soulmate. Just looking for a holemate now.

   The Running Man may no longer be a trendy dance move but it's still a totally great way to get out of a boring conversation.

   walked into a woman on the street today which is weird because va-ginas aren't usually that big...

   I'm gonna go all Kazoo solo and Haiku Freestyle on the next person that says I'm not Gangsta!!!

   Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route.

   obama first black to go in the white house wiith out a brush

   I'm going to go protest corporations todmorrow. I'll wear my shirt from Macy's, grab my Cannon camera, hop in my Jeep® Grand Cherokee Laredo and tell my friends on facebook® (via my iPhone) to join me! (We'll be meetin up afterward at Starbucks)

   You might be a redneck if ya get divorced, re married and still have the same "in law's"

   I'm dating a woman that's half my height... I'm nuts over her

   what do you call a white man surrounded by 500 black men...."Warden"